Julius Bloop: Creek of Consciousness

This is where all those jokes you're dying to stump us with should go. Got something funny you want to share with the rest of us? This is the place to put it.
Post Reply
User avatar
Keeper of the Keys
Posts: 407
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 7:35 pm

Julius Bloop: Creek of Consciousness

Post by VZhitogoroshi » Fri Oct 10, 2008 10:37 pm

A friend of mine has a humor site, and it is funny. This is my personal pick of the best of his Creek of Consciousness series.

One time the power went out and I had to shower by candle light. It wasn’t romantic at all. More like a wet and mildly spooky adventure into cleanliness.

If I ate a cupcake for every time I’ve enjoyed eating a pea I would eat no goddamn cupcakes.

Clean up, clean up/everybody everywhere. Clean up, clean up/everybody do your share. But especially Nazis. You still haven’t made up for that shit, fellas.

The globe people should rename the Tropic of Cancer to something more friendly. Like the Tropic of Flowers or maybe the Tropic of Fuzzy. I’d feel a lot better about not thinking about that geographic location ever.

We were supposed to have flying cars by now but I’m really glad we don’t. Driving on the ground is terrifying enough thanks to old ladies and flat tires. Coincidentally, old ladies with flat tires don’t affect me at all. I just drive passed them at 70mph laughing manically while I freebase cocaine off a dirty scrap of Reynolds Wrap® and talk on several cell phones. Also, I’m blind.

I can track the keywords that visitors have typed into google in order to come across my website. One guy typed “giant asses”. I’m sure he was at least mildly disappointed.

It’s irrational that bulls are angered by the color red. Aren’t dogs colorblind? And aren’t bulls just enormous dogs that snort smoke out of their pierced nostrils? On that note - aren’t deer just dogs running loose in your backyard that are constantly getting hit by cars? Y’know, I’m pretty sure birds are dogs somehow too.

During a routine stop at a gas station convenience store I asked the foreign guy behind the counter if they sold key chains and he said “no”. As I was leaving the store empty-handed he said, “but we do have these,” and he pulled out a huge box of key chains. Dude, what the twink happened there?

Sometimes the decision to take a shower is like Sophie’s Choice. On one hand you’re guaranteed to feel refreshed and revitalized but on the other hand you have to remove those comfortable pajama pants and get wet. However, adding a hot chick to this decision immediately changes it from Sophie’s Choice to Do The Right Thing.

In Canada do they call Canadian bacon…bacon? In Texas do they call Texas toast…toast? In West Virginia do they call incestuous sex…sex?

There’s never a good time to hear something slosh. Dripping, splashing and squirting can all be good at some point. Not sloshing. Sloshing is always bad.

After a recent shower session, I realized that my only pair of clean socks were located in my friend’s car parked out on the street. The dilemma arose whether I should put dirty socks on my clean feet to go get my clean socks or just walk outside barefoot and make my clean feet dirty before putting on my clean socks. Sometimes life is really stupid.

If food were a book – I’d have a distended malnourishment belly and my face would be covered in flies.

Instead of writing “wash me” in the dirt of a stranger’s filthy car why not leave a more cryptic message like “drain the swamp food, Willy!” They’ll wash their vehicle immediately and then give the police something to do.

I’m pretty mad at this toilet that has trouble flushing toilet paper but I’m sure if I confronted the toilet it would be like, “Come on, buddy. Forget about the damn paper - at least I be suckin’ down your poops and pees!” Toilets do not speak proper English.

A typical response to viewing Conan The Barbarian is as follows; “Wow, that enormous warrior is violent, borderline retarded and almost entirely incapable of communicating the simplest of thoughts… I’d love to know his strategic growth plan for California’s transportation system. Hey, did he just say ‘GNNAAHHH?’”

I almost slipped and fell in the shower today and it was terrifying. No wonder old people smell so bad - nobody wants to die wet and naked. Interestingly enough, the opposite applies to fish.

Today I made the analogy that my bedroom is so small it’s like living in an elephant’s ass. Normally an elephant’s ass would be used to describe very large things but not if you have to live in the goddamn thing.

Earlier today I saw a frog and it landed on a stick I was holding. I proceeded to fling him into the river. It was my happiest moment in recent memory.

Grandfather clocks are too expensive. Unless grandfathers actually turn into clocks when they die – then they’d be totally worth it. I’d buy the Rodney Dangerfield grandfather clock so that time would be hilarious and get no respect.

Sometimes I’m uncomfortable with the thoughts that materialize in my brain. Once, I was in the middle of a conversation with a pregnant woman when a friend suggested she have the baby in water. Instantly, I thought, “No, you should have the baby in my mouth!” Anyway, I had to leave that conversation immediately.

There’s something poetic about sitting on the toilet eating a banana. Whoops, I meant to write there’s nothing poetic about sitting on the toilet eating a banana.

Today I was wondering why you never see any pictures of black cowboys. Then I remembered that whole slavery thing and I felt bad.

I wonder what would happen if you wrote a short story that was a tall tale. Surely something would explode.

I’m still waiting for a casual encounter that avoids banal weather observations and goes straight to dinosaur discussion. “Hey, how are ya?” “Good, thanks. Saltriosaur was over 25 feet long and at 200 million years old, it’s one of the oldest meat-eating reptiles ever discovered.” “Wow! Thanks, mailman!”

This “memory” thing isn’t working out very well. I either need to start writing things down or stop trying to accomplish stuff.

If we do eventually establish a moon colony I imagine that moon hobos will make spacesuits out of bubble wrap and coffee cans. Unfortunately, these makeshift protective suits won’t work and they’ll all die horrible hobo space deaths. On the plus side, homelessness is not a problem on the United States of Moon!

A fear of dentists is common but can be cured altogether if one avoids visiting a dentist’s office. It’s not like a spider phobia where you’re suddenly horrified to find one in your bathtub. Unless, of course, you’re friends with a dentist that unexpectedly breaks into your apartment and uses your tub – in which case you should stop being friends with that person regardless of their terrifying profession.

Luckily, going to grandma prison only means lack of seconds on the mashed taters whereas going to state prison means getting your taters mashed in seconds.

Have you ever wanted some lettuce - so you buy a head of lettuce but then you realize it’s impossible to eat an entire head of lettuce by yourself so what the hell are you going to do with all this goddamn lettuce? What am I? Some kind of insane bunny rabbit that eats so much lettuce that the other bunny rabbits glare at me from a distance and say, “Do you see how much lettuce that douchebag eats? It’s disgusting.”

The meal after breakfast and before lunch is called brunch. The meal in between brunch and lunch is called “you’re fat”.
Why do co-workers insist on wanting to hang out after work? We just hung out for eight hours! What’re you? My wife? If I wanted a wife - I’d pretend to like stuff.

It’s weird how guarded we speak when not amongst friends. Recently, I overheard a couple discussing how traffic was the worst thing in the world and I really wanted to say, “Yeah, traffic’s bad but I’m pretty sure getting butt-raped by your Uncle Clown Face is worse.” Instead I said, “Yeah, traffic sucks!”

Today I saw a hobo doing laps up and down the sidewalk. He was probably just trying to find the ghost that stole his huckleberries but I like to think he was training for the Hobo Games.

People always say they tried to learn guitar but didn’t have the patience for it. Just once, I’d like to hear someone say they quit because their puppy was brutally dismembered in a freak guitar accident at a guitar store in Guitarland in which Mayor Guitario summoned the Four Guitarman of the guitarocalypse to shred every note off that puppy’s guitar-hating face until the townspeople of Flying-V City learned that no one fucks with the guitar-fearing citizens whom populate the Guitarolopian Empire. Just once!

If sluts have pee that burns does that mean that nuns have pee that’s frozen?

I learn a lot about different cultures from watching TV – for example, Asian women love reporting the news and Asian men don’t exist.

Sometimes you need a bag for your bags. Sometimes you need a box for your boxes. Sometime you need a hat for your hats but only if you’re some kind of two-hatted, looney asshole.

Sometimes a personal triumph is a tragedy in disguise. Recently, I was so proud of myself for buying fruit for the first time until I realized how sad it was that I’d never bought fruit before.

Eskimos waste all their time building igloos and spearing whales when all they need to do to have fun is move the hell out of the tundra. I’d call the Eskimos and explain this to them but I don’t have a phone made of snowballs.

Parrots solve a lot of puzzles to get their hidden food. Humans have to solve crazy puzzles to cook dinner so we’re like the kings of parrots. For years the parrots were the kings of humans because of their ability for flight but now we’ve got airplanes, parrots, so twink you.

Sometimes I refer to using the bathroom as “puttin’ money in the bank”. Coincidentally, I refer to putting money in the bank as “peeing”.

Have you ever found yourself lying in an uncomfortable position for so long that it would be more uncomfortable to get yourself out of that position than to stay in it? So now it’s become more comfortable to stay uncomfortable? Anyway, I assume that’s what being a drag queen feels like.

Alcoholics are never bored because even if there’s nothing on TV it’s like, oh yeah - booze!

Sometimes after a long night of drinking, your body is like, “Waahh I’m dehydrated! My pee is dark yellow!” So you force down a glass of water and you’re like, “There you go, body! Now shut up!” But, not ten minutes later your body’s all like, “Nooo, not heroin!”

I like when my shadow is huge and I’m all like, “Yeah, now I can play basketball!” and then a basketball player walks by and is all like, “Yeah, now I’m a building!”

Those who paint themselves into a corner should first determine why they were painting the floor in the first place.

User avatar
The Colonel
Letter Linguist
Posts: 547
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:17 am
Location: NLO

Re: Julius Bloop: Creek of Consciousness

Post by The Colonel » Fri Oct 10, 2008 11:40 pm

I like this person. ~_~

Grandmaster of Grammar
Posts: 1001
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 8:01 am
Location: Not Sweden

Re: Julius Bloop: Creek of Consciousness

Post by TheIrishPatriot » Fri Oct 10, 2008 11:58 pm

The Colonel wrote:I like this person. ~_~
Seconded. He is rad.
Read my prose please :).
An tírghrá Éireannach

User avatar
Posts: 1416
Joined: Tue Jan 15, 2008 12:16 am
Location: In a sea of paper cranes and a sky of paper planes.

Re: Julius Bloop: Creek of Consciousness

Post by Loki » Sat Oct 11, 2008 1:14 pm

In Canada do they call Canadian bacon…bacon? In Texas do they call Texas toast…toast? In West Virginia do they call incestuous sex…sex?
My favorite one from that. xD
Let's do what comes naturally
I'll be waiting in Haven.

User avatar
Wielder of the Ctrl-Alt-Delete
Posts: 245
Joined: Tue Jun 24, 2008 9:37 pm

Re: Julius Bloop: Creek of Consciousness

Post by Vinnam » Mon Oct 13, 2008 12:08 pm

VZhitogoroshi wrote: Sometimes you need a bag for your bags. Sometimes you need a box for your boxes. Sometime you need a hat for your hats but only if you’re some kind of two-hatted, looney asshole.
Exhibit A:
Trainer: Brendan Creed
Lineup: Noir & Batista

Post Reply

Return to “The Comedy Corner”