Looking for bland food? Search no longer!

A place to talk about serious "real life" stuff without having to place it in between a demand by Blankie for food and Logue's latest almost-pr0n thread.
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Oxygen
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Looking for bland food? Search no longer!

Post by Oxygen » Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:37 am

I'm proud to announce that you don't have to look around anymore for a buccal diarrhea. Yes indeed, the capitalist world being what it is, Tim Horton's have been growing every-twinking-where around the north american continent ( and probably elsewhere ).

Heck; even my college has one. And we're only talking about 1000 students here, 200 of which are football jocks that basically fail their shit over and over to simply be oh-so-big and powerful, 25 year old, and rape "real' students on the field.

Fair enough.

But that's not what I'm here to discuss about.

Yesterday, I had the twinking pleasure of being hungry at around 11:30, myself being myself and having avoided breakfast. And so, I looked for the closest food of source around. Guess what it was?

You're smart.

I ordered a "Club à la Tim" which translates to Turkey Bacon Sandwich. Imbeciles. It's basically 8 inches of bread ( I'd usually say that's a respectable size... but not for bread ), salad, "swiss" cheese, tomatoes, turkey, bacon and your favorite pick of mustard and honey sauce. Ew.

They ask you for your permission to grill the bread, which is to say, they basically put the blame on you for killing your teeth and gums. The edges of the sub are basically black from the cooking, while the inside is cold. Needless to say that it's a) gross, and b) the razorsharp edges kill your mouth.

Being a good consumer and all, I decided to open the sandwich just to check the ingredients, seeing that you could actually FAIL AT COOKING BREAD IN A MICROWAVE.

The salad had brown spots on it, and reminded me of wet paper ( I had weird habits... ).

The "swiss" cheese was probably as swiss as I am, which is to say, not at all, seeing how I'm basically cheddar with holes everywhere. Fail. I'm also crusty because I have been exposed to oxygen for too long.

I hate tomatoes. But I hate Tim Horton's even more, just out of spite. Tomatoes are such a fail fruit. Fruits are sugary, tomatoes are bland and watery, just like Tim Horton's food, I guess. I still hate them.

The turkey was tasteless. Just tasteless. It's like I was biting in cold juicy flesh that tasted void. Horrible. Poor caliga.

Have you ever had some good, real, smoked canadian bacon? If you have, you know how good it is; if you haven't, you're an aging hippie and probably eat at Tim Horton's daily, because that's not what the bacon there is. It's 1 mm thick, cold, WET and just as tasteless as the turkey. Blasphemy. I never thought I'd hate bacon at some point, but honestly, Tim Horton's managed to make me dislike it. I'm sure that if they sold sex, they'd make me hate it too.

Mustard and honey sauce: AWFUL. If you could blend all the grossness behind every other aliments, or should I say, ailments that Tim Horton's offer to you, you'd get their mustard and honey sauce. What the twink? Mustard and honey? Do I mix ketchup with orange juice? What's the friggin idea? Besides, it makes your bread wet, and your mouth dry. Good deal, assholes, now we can go and buy your shitty --

Tim Horton's iced tea / Tim Horton's peach lmaonade: one word - SUGAR. Or in fact, 22 teaspoons of it. As I'm going through their website for the exact informations concerning these, I realize that both drinks ARE NOT LISTED. I twinking wonder why. Man, these things are SO sugary that you're even more thirsty by drinking them. Plain old counter-synergy, or marketing genius? Neither; shitty food.

Donuts: Main ingredients - Air, sugar. A bite in one of Tim Horton's donut will vaguely remind you of biting cotton, with a little extra being aching teeth.

Soups: How am I supposed to feed with a bowl of soup that's basically the size of my fist? In fact, here's a comparison between my fist and a bowl of soup and my fist;

Image

Now you may wonder; but Cream! Where's the bowl?

There's none, asshole. I just needed to squeeze in my badass picture.

twink Tim Horton's.

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The Colonel
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Re: Looking for bland food? Search no longer!

Post by The Colonel » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:29 pm

Does this really belong in serious discussion?

And yes, Tim Horton's is terrible, but then again, so is most cheap restaurant food.
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Deschain
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Re: Looking for bland food? Search no longer!

Post by Deschain » Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:48 pm

The Colonel wrote:Does this really belong in serious discussion?

And yes, Tim Horton's is terrible, but then again, so is most cheap restaurant food.
What you pay is what you get.

Other than that a funny read.
Those who seek war deserve for the war to find them.

TheIrishPatriot
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Re: Looking for bland food? Search no longer!

Post by TheIrishPatriot » Sat Jan 24, 2009 8:01 pm

Oxy is not amused?

I lol'd. I still love my bagels bathed in butter.
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Read my prose please :).
An tírghrá Éireannach

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