Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

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Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by VZhitogoroshi » Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:22 pm

Mathlete accused of taking performance enhancing drugs
Collin Lysford
Staff Reporter

*= name changed for protection

The math league is known for being a hotbed of intense competition and rule abuse. More and more mathletes are willing to do anything for the win. However, there is a new scandal rocking the mathematical world – a student taking performance enhancing drugs in a desperate attempt to win. Our investigation took us deep into the seedy world of the math league, to reveal the scandal and corruption at the heart of it.

The student, John Doe* was a rising math league star. “He was unstoppable,” recalls league team member Dave Smith*. “This guy had a logarithm average solution time three standard deviations away from the competition.” Yet, despite the promising start, Doe’s math league skill seemed be in a state of exponential decay. “He let the stress get to him,” comments his former coach Joe Ferguson.

That is, until one day, when Doe’s math ability suddenly skyrocketed. “It was unbelievable,” says Smith. “He was good before, but this was his skill cubed.” Doe quickly became one of the nation’s best math league members. But far from becoming relaxed, he seemed to be even more irritable.

“Yes, he was good, but he was negative and a radical,” says Ferguson. “And even if you manage to resolve a negative radical, there’s still no i in team.”

Perhaps Doe’s biggest problem was his social ineptitude. He didn’t have many friends to begin with, and those he had drifted away when his mood swings began. “It was around then [before nationals] that I started to think he was squaring the circle, if you catch my drift,” says Smith.

Smith was referencing “Plus”, an elusive drug that is said to greatly increase mathematical ability at the expense of personal temperament. When Smith reported this to Ferguson, he was unsure of what to do. “I mean, yeah, you want the kid to win nationals. But do you really want him to get there through drug use?”

After a bit of internal debate, Ferguson decided to have Doe tested for drugs. Sure enough, he registered positive for Plus, and was thus disqualified from the competition. He did not take it well – in fact, he was forced to be taken to rehab after threatening Ferguson. Smith remarks, “He was flipping out, saying ‘I’ll divide you by zero, and then you won’t exist!’”.

While Doe was caught, there are worries of a large amount of mathletes abusing Plus. If you think someone you know is using the drug, please tell an adult. Otherwise, no matter how hard users try to rationalize it, the problem will keep repeating.

I wrote a satire article for school xP. Comments?

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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by The Colonel » Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:27 pm

Made me cackle a few times.
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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by Loki » Wed Jan 16, 2008 11:09 pm

..That is so absurd, someone needs to give that kid a WoW card. 'Nuff said.
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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by Bane » Wed Jan 16, 2008 11:14 pm

Pretty funny.

I definitely need to show this to my calculus/academic superbowl teacher now. :P
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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by VZhitogoroshi » Wed Jan 16, 2008 11:18 pm

Loki wrote:..That is so absurd, someone needs to give that kid a WoW card. 'Nuff said.
Wait, me, or the fictional character? Cause I hate WoW.
And bane, that would rock. I may polish this later, actually, so c.crits would be cool.

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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by Loki » Wed Jan 16, 2008 11:19 pm

me, or the fictional character
If that answers your question. lol
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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by TheIrishPatriot » Thu Jan 17, 2008 7:29 am

Haha, I loved it. And you used plus :). I wasn't sure, going in to read it, if you were going to do a normal article, and then make a few satiricle paragraphs, or if the whole thing would be a story. :P
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Post by Daryll-The-Damned » Thu Jan 17, 2008 12:50 pm

Heh this was pretty amusing...

I liked the overuse of mathamatical words...

Funny stuff Hito.
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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by Steve » Thu Jan 17, 2008 4:48 pm

That was pretty good... XD
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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by Vlancer » Thu Jan 17, 2008 8:38 pm

Lawl...that was good...especially being a former Math/science lete myself...lol

but shouldn't stuff like this be in the Comedy Corner? Just curious...
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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by The Colonel » Thu Jan 17, 2008 8:44 pm

That perplexed me as well.
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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by Echonian » Thu Jan 17, 2008 11:49 pm

Order of the Laughing on demands you put things like this in the comedy corner!

Er, I think.

You will hear from our lawyers (if we have any...).

Besides that, great story. It made me laugh for a good while.
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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by VZhitogoroshi » Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:16 am

Heh, when I like satire I like to pass it off as actual news until you read on and realizes there's no f***ing way. xD

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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by Phox » Fri Jan 18, 2008 2:22 am

THis is pretty brilliant.

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Re: Mathlete Accused of Taking Performance Enhancing Drugs

Post by StyrofoamBoots » Sun Jun 29, 2008 10:46 am

It was so good I had to threadomance it. Loved how you led into it being a true story, the whole time I'm thinking ok..the kid was on amphetamines.....
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